talk to me,talk to my machine.

why is it when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are not better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths….

 There’s a little animal in all of us and maybe that’s something to celebrate. Our animal instinct is what makes us seek comfort, warmth, a pack to run with. We may feel caged, we may feel trapped, but still as humans we can find ways to feel free. We are each other’s keepers, we are the guardians of our own humanity and even though there’s a beast inside all of us, what sets us apart from the animals is that we can think, feel, dream and love. And against all odds, against all instinct, we evolve.

But then again,why is it that sometimes i feel i am living in a world/environment where i’m always 2 steps behind..It sucks really,everyone has close friends,a listening ear,people they can rely on if they have problems why not me? i am starting to accept the fact that the problem is really only me,me and more meS.. i hate being the loner that i am,i hate it when i dont know how to start a conversation,i hate it when i try so hard to understand people’s joke and find myslef laughing too often at thier jokes when  dont even know which side i’m coming from.. i am just not good with people and everything else,i’d wish i would just wake up someday and find myself being so confident and friendly and just mixing around like i dont even care what people think with me.. sometimes i try too hard and its not enuff,gotta admit that i am a waste of space right?dammit,i wish i’d come back to my true self and not go missing half the time trying to question,why is it so fucken hard? dammit,i’ll never hide,but if there’s nowhere else to hide we escape right? THEN I’LL JUST GO AND FUCKING ESCAPE!

post script : i lost the urban warrior girl in me….i love john legend and kid cudi(my boyfriend) in my morning,they are so sick and wicked..plus plus prison break is really a plus..enjoy life?i wish!

sigh..i am so down in the dumps, downcast, downhearted, foiled, frustrated, hopeless, objecting, shot down, taken down, thwarted, unhappy, unsatisfied, upset, vanquished, worsted…what else?i am starting to hate school for the dumbest reason,i feel useless and unwanted…lets see,maybe im just not good enough and i am just a freaking waste of smape..now i have so much varieties to choose from…fuck it,it is not always that variety is the freaking way of life,not now especiallly…

i dont feel a need or a desire for this anymore,i feel like shit,how am i?i feel like exploding now!!! dammit,fuck school and anything else realted…fuck it…still,on what grounds are the nominated..?dammit fuck you again and again!!!!!!!!!!

I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. As for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something we have to define for ourselves.

How do you know how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love, or too much to ask of someone? When is it all just too much for us to bear.

Superstition lies in the space between what we can control and what we can’t. Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck. No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it 33 times really help? Is anyone actually listening? Why do we bother doing those strange things? We rely on superstitions because we’re smart enough to know we don’t have all the answers.. and that life works in mysterious ways. Don’t diss the juju, from wherever it comes.

But then ultimately, we all have little superstitious things that we do. If it’s not believing in magic statues, it’s avoiding sidewalk cracks or always putting our left shoe on first. Knock on wood. Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. The last thing we want to do is offend the gods.

post script: In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back. But, if you do manage to make it back across the line, you find safety in numbers.

post post script: examz are here and i am so crazy about this one guy,dammit

sch was good yesterday,i enjoy the company of my classmates..they are all so fun and lovable people..

mummy has just joined facebook 2 days ago and she now has 70+ friends,hehe…how cute i cannot imagine me and mummy looking up each other in fb..but the main reason she join fb is to play pet society,haha..guess when she sees us play she feel the urge to go create one herself..hooray for mummy,lorv you!
i dont have much to talk abt actually just that like always im a stay home girl..

i think its stupidly funny that people wanna prove themselves because of something i said in a apost..haha guess they feel guilty..funny how they go to great lengths to prove themselves,boy do i feel honoured..haha..stupid girls,forever stupid fake ones..just shows how much they actually care abt what people think of them.

post script: i want to smoke but mummy is not here to give me her’s plus i can’t buy cause im underage..

let’s see….
so today i woke up at 11.with nothing to do..i got out of my bed atleast and sat in the living room..then talk to mummy for a while and started doing chores..then at almost 1,me and reyhana showered..oh yes,shes not in sch to day cause she’s not too well,poor baby….after showering went to the kitchen to bake..obviously need to set up all the ingredients and equipments….reyhane wore an apron and she looked really cute,cant believe i have sucha adorable sister like her..we made butter cookies and scones,all of hand to gether with mum and shaina of course…it turned out very good actually..

moving on,in my previous post i said i was going to study but i didnt except in the night..cant help it..it felt like a girls day at home,so much fun and joy and laughter..i really loved to day..
i love my family and home so so much..i just wish i can do so much more and so much better for us all to have better lives..i hope i perform good in sch and give my best shot for my coming exams to bring the smile back on mummys and daddy face….they have so much to worry abt,this and that..and all the time i al just looking and wondering.there is nothing in my will,i feel so helpless when i actually know the full picture but dont know what to do to help…..god please help me and make me strong..sigh,so many things are happening and changing in so little time-i appreciate the things this family did to make me who i am today.

i remembered and while ago how i used to call myself a maid for the past years since im always doing the household chores when mummy was employed..i am really proud of myself,i did stuff like changing diapers,cooking for the family,folding and hanging the clothes(not on occasions but almost everyday),babysit for a whole day with kids aged 2 and 6,teaching my younger one homework,running erens here and there,and not forgetting-my favourite;preparing a warm cup of coffee for the two i love after they had a tired day at work..i almost feel like a mum now…..i know some people have maids and stuff but i guess they’ll never learn and it’ll be hard for them once they are married to meet their husbands need also their children…still,only we know whts best for ourselves,the best is to follow our inctincts…and let almighty guide us…

i am finally going back to sch tomorrow for proper lesson,boy do i miss sch…and of course,the people in classs,so looking foward….

post script:most prolly i’ll be adding photos of reyhana in the kitchen at fb tomorrow…

night world,the diarist…………

lets see…i went to sch for the module-ikp tpday from 3 to 5.and thats all.
there wont be school again tomorrow cause my ma’am’s still sick..sigh i pity her,she has lung infectionand that is so sad….i’m doing my part,i pray for her all the time,i hope she gets treated fast and well again..she’s like a sister to us,or our second mum,hehe..so lovable and we love her company..love you ma’am!!you’re the best.

moving on,regarding the other post,i have nothing more to say..except we’re acting like primary sch kids and saying bad stuff a bout each other..i feel i failed to my promise,why am i always like that?its a weekness i dont know what to do with..and i’m sure the ppl who matter to me are so mad at me..whatever it is,i never meant what i said abt them,cause for some,i dont even know them but its just a nice feeling to be giving and throwing back again and again..because after all we are still related and we only belong to god…please continue hating me cause i feel i got a whole lot more to offer but i always want to show the bad side which exsist only half a time…sorry god for discriminating my fellow muslims relation..help me think positive and grow up….
but honestly and seriously,i feel at ease when i say bad stuff about them…then to think back,its not worth it cause just how miserable i feel abt ppl calling me names,they feel the same…

moving on,after sch i went to fetch my youngest sister from her sch at jp,reyhana ayesha.she was feeling pretty weak and she was rather warm….after much persuation,i carried her cause she was starting to cry already…imagine me carrying my sch bag,her sch bag and her…woah,she weighs over 24kg..so heavy…had to walk quite a distance under the hot sun….

here’s my plan for tomorrow,i am going to revise on sch work and jot down all my ikp notes again cause its all over the place and very messy..plus my friend borrowed me his whole stack of notes,thanks jeffrey!

lastly,i hope ma’am gets well and her condition get better….sorry to everyone for being mean these past few days,mummy especially,sorry mummy..

thats al..night world,we’ll all have a better day tomorrow.. the diarist;

this is pretty going wrongs..
lets start so recently i started using fb after abandoning my fs…..and so went i finally comfirm and activated a few stuff it came to’add people in your contact list’ so i accept and clicked all..little did i know that theres few people i know from past years which is still in my hotmail list…
then few days a go i was on the phone with a friend and she was on the pc..then she went to this girls blog and read to me what was written….and i am guessing the person is me…because one of her friends already accepted me but im not sure if i added this girl…and you know what?this girl is pretty stupid cause she said i was like a monster…i pity her man,having the mind of a 10 year old…dont she fucking know that monsters dont exist?except for in storybooks or her momma saying…pathetic,funny it is to be called a monster when they dont exist,this girls is seriously dumd,i swear…and so i asked my friend to tag her stupid tag board(full of fake girls btw) with the name -insert name- because that was what she called me in the blog…so my very kind friend typed whatever i said…and after that i asked her for the filthy’s girl address…soon later the next day i went to see her blog…dammit i was shocked to see how much she changed..she looked like some constipated girl with her boney chest and fake smile…and guess what she had these fake eye brow and piercing like a bloody minah,yeay…hold on i need to celebrate this!back! you know what smile she’ll have and stuff,haha pathetic fake girls..

and then you most probably know whats gonna happen..all her minah friends wen to respond to my tag and just today i saw this girl by the nick/name of ayn(sounds like the snort of a pig,aynn)did something stupid and gave me three choices….-OMFG!hahaha frigging funny.they will always cant tend to keep their little fingers to themself.why cant u a) mind your own bisnes b)do something better c) frigging shove ur dad’s c.o.c.k in your- damn this 5 year old is so rude…told ya malay ppl are so rude,never go near them….they only know how to play with your mum and dad cause their parents are no better.pathetic….i hate it when people talk abt my parents they are so rude,no respect…atleast have respect for one’s parents la..sick malay fucks..malay ppl are so disgusting………big mouth..oh ya before i forget,even this pig snort is a fake!  haha so long lets just give this pathetic sick malay fucks something to talk abt…and this pig snort is so kpo….i dont even know her…sigh MALAY PPL ARE SO KPO..TELL ME WHY    ……

oh ya i forgot,while the diarist is at work,im entertaining this sick malay fuck,ayn a.k.a pig snort at the girls blog!thanks for entertaining me…faker..

okay so long,let you readers know more tonight..cause i got better things to do like show love to my mummy and help her with house work unlike this sick malay girls who let their mummy slog and work day and night cause they are heartless and cant be bothered…

i am not a monster!

afternoon world,the diarist

from my understanding,i know that muslims are not supposed to pluck or shave their eye brows unless it is very very thick… here’s something that puzzles me all the time,i dont understand why girls need to fucking shave the eye brows clean or till theres little hair..maybe the are just insecure abt how they look,haha so pathetic..and then there will be a pencil drawing in many2 colours in the shape of the eye brow they want..and then these people look really stupid,its sucha hassle to draw your fake eye brows everyday before you leave your house..this people who shave their eye brow are the stupidiest,and are never satisfied with what almighty gave them..ans seriously,all people would agree that fake eye brow are ugly and a waste of space,time and it is just freaking ugly…what if you get wet in the rain?then you’ll be a baldie with no eye brow like an old lady……..and because they draw their fake eye brows,they still cant find the real man..cause girls look ugly with fake eye brows…..moving on you know how some girls like to extend/draw longer and then make half of their fake eye brows towards the end higher?so much so that they have the cunning and minah look,very ugly indeed!!!wait,i need to laugh.!!!!!hahahahahahah……… i think is reallly really dumb like it’s almost finishing your forehead ladies?where are your freaking brains?

moving on the most sickening thing is when girls have their fake eye brows on and they pierce their skin around the eye brow area,it looks funny and you just want to stare good at it and think,what the heck is this girl trying to do with here face?destroy it maybe?dont they knoe that it will leave a mark?then when they finally think maturely and get married to someone as sick as them,and have children,their children will ask-mummy,what that mark on your eye brow?- here’s the reply i am guessing,-oh last time mummy was a bad bad seed and wanted to add more things to mummy’s face that are not living things and cheap cause what ever almighty gave mummy then was not enough-or maybe little girl,your momma was trying so hard to fit it…

i seriously think its sad to seee muslims girls piercing their eye brow and having their once beautiful eyebrows shaved,so so so sad…they obviously give a bloody bad inpression..funny how their parents belief in almighty and all,following the rules but thier children fail to do so…whats more even with girls who’s mums wear tudung-scarf…so poor thing destroying their parents image…hahaha what a waste of space…
WHATEVER IT IS,MALAY GIRLS WITH SHAVED AND FAKED DREW EYE BROWS AND PIERCING AROUND THE EYE BROW AREA LOOK FREAKING FUNNY AND PATHETIC,WHAT YOU TRYING TO DO WITH YOUR FACE DAMMIT!THEY ONLY DO ONE THING,MAKE YOU ONCE BEAUTIFUL-AND TURN YOU INTO AN UGLY DUCKLING..SO PLEASE LET YOUR EYE BROWS GROW CAUSE THEY FUCKING LOOK UNEVEN IF YOU DREW THEM FUCKING PATHETIC GIRLS..THE MALAYS ESP IT IS SO UNSIGHTLY,WHAT A BAD BAD SEED…..

 finally,here’s something i hate to look at also…MAKCIKS!!!!!!!!!!!! the people who’s mouths are dirty obviously…here is a how a makcik look like..most probably she’s wearing a tudung,just for show!! she’ll be having this thick2 lips which is fine actually but once the bringt red lipstick gets on,it look like someone i’d see in my nightmares..imagine this,someone with thick lips and fucking thick lipsticks..they even their eye brows will be bald with a thin pencil drawing,usually the colous red or brown..and then you’ll also get to see that they put a whole lot of make ups….3kg of foundation,1kg blusher and 50g eye shadow…haha bloody makciks,,get a life la…no wonder their children grow up to be insecure and never satisfied with what they have….i wonder what this makciks trying to show,what image?that 50% of your house is occupied by make ups from your girls and you?haha freaking pathetic people…

please dont shave your eye brows,naturals are the best,almighty loves us natural everyone does.. 
then only you’ll find the real man..for everyone else you’re sick to be shaving your eye brows! 

post script:i have the best and most loveable family in the world….are you jealous?

night world,the diarist

hey you..haha,i miss my blog..not that im not using the pc almost every other day just that i dont know what to write..and it would be a pretty stupid thing to write what i did almost everyday then it would be called a chore..and chores are no fun you see…

so moving on….mmmm,lately i have been smoking..for i dont know what reason but i feel a whole lot better and happier when i smoke…and i dont lie to mummy and daddy..when i buy i tell them when i take theirs i tell them..i am at ease cause im not lying to them and boy am i lucky to have such wonderful parents..

school’s pretty fine i might say…loads of preparing to do,competiton plus examinations…and its funny how i can be such a kental kid in school,and ppl even say that..well,theres a whole lot more..
and the people i best connect to are the malay boys from class and a girl,lesley..they are apparently called the 6 musketeeers so i am just an extra,haha…

what else…..mmmm oh yes i haven’t met my curly haired bestfriend for 3 weeks now,,,,boy do i miss her,something must alwyas come in the way from both sides whenever we wanna meet..i miss you so much baby girl,hehe

lastly,i love love love Muse,the best 3 piece band ever…tell me!

post script: forgot to mention that i have hots for a few guys in school,but who look at some kental and oversized juliet anyway,dammit!

lorv ya,nights world-the diarist;